Me, a mirror and a parallel universe

Sat in a doctors waiting room, palms sweating, stomach churning and a friend or loved on comforting you, " It will be OK , I`m sure its nothing just routine"

Most of us have been there at some point in our lives, either as the patient or the comforter.

We as humans are programed to fear the the worst in these situations. Fear the doctor Will reveal the test was positive , you have such and such and that they will need to operate as soon as possible.

But what happens when you are fearing the doctor wont give you bad news????

This is the feeling I had sat waiting to see my cardiologist.

To sit there praying that he will say he has found something, and that he will have to organise surgery is a very scary place to be , it makes you question you're mental state, still does.

Does this mean I have some other disorder?

Munchausen??       OMG! 

Ok I`m going to backtrack and explain why I came to this very dark and odd place.

The last visit I had to my Cardiologist I was very proactive in my approach.

I went in armed with information on my unusual heart, I told him about my chats with other TGA survivors,who had undergone procedures that had helped them feel a lot better, given them a better quality of life.

My Doctor Disney assured me he did have a plan, the next thing was to look more closely at my leaky valves with a view to replacing them.

So in the last two months......

I have had all the tests that they arranged, talked to my friends, my kids and my hubby and somehow convinced myself, that when I saw him, Disney, that he will have the " magic pill" that came in the form of an operation.

Then just like all conventional illnesses, it would cure me, make me feel human again,give me back my energy, my life.

                                              ( well maybe not quite this)

So here I am sat with my friend, whom I am so grateful to.also, between you and me she not only came to give me some moral support but to get a look at the infamous Dr cutie whom she definitely thought was hot!!! 

" Jo " my name was called and off I proceeded into his office, as I sat there I tried to focus on his words, "fluid restrictions", another "Medication" to try, 

 "Not sufficient leakage to warrant the risk of surgery"

There it was, those three words "not sufficient leakage", my hopes of a magic pill dashed in 3 words. 

I felt the tears welling up as I sat there, listening to him explaining that my heart was still weak but not enough to warrant all my symptoms, neither he thought was Fibromyalgia, so he was going to chat to colleagues see which was the best specialist to see.

 A ray of light at the end of the tunnel, but all I could silently cry was, your not going to help me are you? ? ., I need you to help me.

As I thanked him and walked toward my friend the tears started to flow, 

I just couldn't believe how empty, devastated I felt over what the whole of society would think was good news, 

I felt like now no one would believe me, where was I supposed to go from here my last grip on hope gone.

I am very lucky for my friend really gets it for a Muggle ( healthy one) and the bits she doesn't she tries too.

And the last things I thought was OMG I wasted spoons putting on mascara and curling my hair for my Disney appointment!!! Devastated!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway the days have gone by and like any newly diagnosed I once again scrolled through the Internet looking for a life raft to cling on to , still battling with myself for wanting what I thought were terrible things to happen,

 I also in my dispar  wondered if i did find a magic pill what would happen then?,  

Would I know how to live as a Muggle anymore ????

Walking down the street on my way to the shop, which I had procrastinated about for hours, like we the chronically sick do, as it takes so many spoons just to get ready 

If you are not familiar with why we, the chronically sick have an obsession about spoons, then you must read ..

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/…/writt…/the-spoon-theory/

I started to remember  a convo I had with my Muggle friend about their experience with cancer, and how they felt going through the tests and having to wait, 

Then I got to thinking about how muggles feel when they receive bad news and that their reactions and thoughts must be

Almost a mirror image of mine a parallel universe.

 ( sorry SiFi geek) except their good news was your bad news, vi ca versa .

Lost, confused, scared not knowing what going to happen, only they get an end result good or bad, 

As for this side of the mirror we hang in constant limbo with no ending.

Anger , denial, sadness, loss, acceptance both felt in each world.

So now I don't feel so bad, my feelings are not wrong.

 I have no disorder. 

I just live on the opposite side of the mirror

 In the parallel  universe.